The strange, black fluid which squirts out of that weird machine in the break room, known to us as “coffee,” has many uses, some of which may never have occurred to you, gentle reader.
Around the shop, we have been able to utilize this liquid in ways both practical and recreational. At the behest of the marketing department, the sales department, and the accounting department, I have therefore compiled this list of the best uses for coffee at work.
That said, don’t ever try these at home (or at work.) We’re professionals.
1. Cleaning fluid
As the person in charge of grunt-work, which includes cleaning, I have found that there’s nothing better for getting the old porcelain throne clean that pouring a nice cup of coffee into it and then scrubbing with all your might.
It’s almost scary how fast this mysterious substance eats away at anything it touches, sizzling with acids and chemicals still unknown to science.
We sometimes use coffee to clean the press. Our pressman often pours a whole pot of the stuff into the rollers when they’re getting a little clogged. Aside from a funny smell arising from prints that come out shortly after, we see no concerning side-effects.
Note: Coffee is an industrial strength cleaning fluid. Always be sure to wear protective goggles and to wear rubber gloves when applying coffee to dirty surfaces. We do not recommend for use as mouth wash. Please use toothpaste.
2. Fuel Substitute
Many a cold winter afternoon, when a job needed to be delivered and the car wouldn’t start, we said to one another, “Well, this order needs to be delivered, and if there’s one thing that will start the car, it’s coffee.”
Simply open the port in the side of your car where you normally hook up it up at the gas station, pour in a couple gallons of this stuff, and your car will be up and ready to go! It might even go faster than usual, though don’t blame us if it’s suddenly quite sluggish after you’ve been driving for a few hours.
Oh no! You’ve accidentally ingested ink or chlorine or any of the other dozens of deadly liquids that we keep around the shop! What do you do?
Obviously, the first thing you should do is call 911 and get yourself to a hospital. But in between puking your guts out and waiting for your impending stomach pumping, drink a cup of that ebony elixir, coffee. It will flow through your innards and purge that poison faster than you can say, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Note: We are not medical professionals and should not be construed as such. If your doctor offers contradictory advice regarding coffee’s use as an antitoxin, please listen to him and not a bunch of yahoos on the internet.
As a last resort, in your hour of need, when you have nothing else to turn to, you may wish to employ coffee as a beverage.
“What?” you say. Coffee, that bizarre, tasteless broth that comes out of a metal and plastic paperweight, the proper use of which is toilet cleaner? Surely we don’t expect you to drink this for sustenance, do we?
The truth is, coffee is actually pretty awesome. Just add some milk, sugar, and cream, mix it up a little, drink it hot, guzzle that stuff like a Hummer, and you’ll not only have drunk a tasty beverage, you’ll have given yourself a nice energy spike to help you get your work done!
We hope that these uses for coffee at work are just as helpful to you as they were to us! We here in the marketing, accounting, and sales departments dearly hope that our advice is as sound as coffee is soothing.
I’ll drink to that!
Marketing Director at the Renton Printery. Providing commentary on local and business news, along with notes on the state of the shop.